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  • Writer's pictureElliot Huemann


It's possible that in my time being a therapist no single theory has been more impactful than Attachment Theory. This psychological model doesn't just offer a clinical perspective; it provides a lens through which we can understand how we feel in connections, both positive and negative. I don't only use it clinically, it also is a regular part of how I think about my relationships.

Attachment theory centers on the concept of attachment styles, the patterns of how we emotionally bond and relate to others. These styles, formed early in our lives, continue to influence our relationships and behaviors as adults. The four main styles are:

  1. Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style typically have a positive view of themselves and their relationships. They're comfortable with intimacy and independence, striking a healthy balance. For example, a securely attached person might confidently pursue personal goals while maintaining close, trusting relationships.

  2. Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style often fear abandonment and may feel insecure in their relationships. They might require constant reassurance and struggle with the idea of being alone. In daily life, this might manifest as someone who texts their partner frequently, seeking validation and fearing a lack of response.

  3. Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with this style tend to maintain emotional distance from others. They might value their independence to the point of avoiding close relationships. An avoidant person might prefer to handle problems alone and could pull away when things get too intimate or emotional.

  4. Disorganized Attachment: This style is often a mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies, usually stemming from a fear of being both too close and too distant. A person with a disorganized attachment might exhibit unpredictable behavior, swinging between closeness and distance in relationships.

Understanding your attachment style can be a hugely transformative. Resources like The Attachment Project and the book "Attached" offer valuable insights into identifying and exploring your style. These tools provide a starting point for self-discovery, but the most profound exploration often happens in the therapeutic setting. To delve deeper, you can visit The Attachment Project and explore "Attached" on Amazon.

In therapy we explore not just how we connect but also where it feels difficult and how this mirrors our life outside of therapy. This process is invaluable in understanding and potentially reshaping our attachment style.

Somatic therapies, like Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, are particularly effective in this realm because they bridge the gap between our emotional experiences and physical sensations. They help us connect with our bodily experiences, offering insights into how our emotional patterns manifest physically. This connection is crucial in attachment work as it fosters a deeper understanding of our responses and behaviors, often rooted in early experiences that shaped our attachment style.

Every day, I reflect on how attachment theory influences my interactions and relationships. If you're curious about how your attachment style affects your relationships and want to explore this further, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can explore your attachment style and how you'd like to grow into security.

*This post was written in collaboration with generative AI.

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